Some Kind of Beautiful
by dimerization
Summary: Post-Destroy Shenko happy ending fic. Colonist/Sole Survivor Shepard has been suffering from severe PTSD following Alchera and the Lazarus Project, struggling through it with Kaidan's much-needed support. When he finds her badly injured but alive on the Citadel after the Battle of London, he decides to take her home to Canada with him to recuperate. (Feeling in the Pipeline #4)
1. Chapter 1: In which we grieve

_Author's Note_

This piece is already complete and published over on AO3; I'm going to be editing it and maybe doing some minor revisions as I x-post it here so I'm not just putting it all up in one fell swoop. But if you want to finish the story and can handle my typoes and bad phrasing, I have a link to my AO3 on my profile so knock yourself out.

* * *

 **Chapter 1: In which we grieve**

Joker was crying. He wept softly, the private tears of a grown man in pain. Still, Kaidan could hear him clearly from halfway up the bridge. The Normandy was dead quiet – the surviving crew had piled out the airlock to gaze in wonder at the empty sky. When Kaidan had ducked inside, Daniels and Donnelly were still arguing about where they'd landed.

"Peru? No, look at the foliage, this is Chile!"

"And when did _you_ become an expert Earth botanist, may I ask?" Kaidan hadn't had the heart to laugh at Daniels' skeptical tone.

He paused at the cockpit door, which seemed to be jammed open by a bent bulkhead. Joker was sitting on the floor with his back against the wall and EDI's lifeless body in his lap. With the loss of power, her hair had reverted to the million fine strands she only ever seemed to wear on dates with him. Joker was running his fingers through it, tucking a lock behind her ear again and again. His tears dripped onto her silver polymer skin and glittered like gems under the emergency lights. He heard Kaidan approach – you could tell by the set of his shoulders – but he didn't look up.

"Joker..." He buried his face in his hands, shoulders shaking. Kaidan knelt beside him.

"I'm so sorry," he said. Joker rubbed a palm over his face, taking a shuddering breath.

"I loved her, you know?"

"Yeah. I know." Kaidan shut his eyes on Shepard's face, hearing her tell him goodbye for the thousandth time. The dressing on his burns pulled as he ran a weary hand through his hair.

"She was an AI, but I loved her so much." Joker's voice cracked. Kaidan put a hand on his shoulder, then took it away again.

"Do you think Shepard knew?"

"That the Crucible would..."

"Would kill EDI." Joker stroked a synthetic brow with gentle fingers. Even EDI's eyelashes had separated, Kaidan saw. She looked real, like a sleeping, silver woman, perfect in every detail.

"Nobody knew what the Crucible would do. Not really."

"What if she did?" Joker whispered.

"Then she would've also known that EDI was ready to die to defeat the Reapers," Kaidan said. Joker shut his eyes, tears leaking down his cheeks.

"Yeah."

"I think EDI was proud to give her life alongside the Commander. I know... I know I would have been." It was easier to say than he'd expected. Still, his voice shook.

"Yeah," said Joker. He sniffed, and wiped his nose with the back of his hand. "Sorry, Kaidan. I guess I'm not the only one who lost a – who lost somebody today." Kaidan rubbed burning eyes.

"Yeah," he said.

"She never stopped working, not even for a second, even when she saw the detonation." Joker looked down at EDI's peaceful face. "I think she guessed what would happen. We saw the blast and she turned to me and said, Jeff, I love you – " His voice broke. This time, Kaidan's hand on his shoulder seemed to comfort him. Joker gathered EDI against his chest, leaning his face into her hair. Kaidan waited patiently until his tears subsided, doing his best not to think. At last, Joker wiped his eyes, laying EDI down with a long sigh.

"Can the Normandy get off the ground?" Kaidan asked.

"Uh." It seemed to take Joker a moment to collect himself. "Sh – the ship's spaceworthy. Needs some minor repairs, but we could be flying again in a few hours."

"Good. There's something we need to do." Kaidan levered himself upright and reached out a hand to Joker. The pilot looked at Kaidan's hand, then helplessly down at EDI's body, lying inert across his crippled legs.

"Here." Kaidan knelt and gathered EDI in his arms, rising with a grunt. She was lighter than he'd expected. He would have thought that a mech capable of lifting him bodily off the ground one-handed would weigh a little more.

"I'll take her down to the AI Core," he said. Joker nodded.

"That seems... yeah. Thanks Kaidan."

"I'll send Adams up here to coordinate repairs, too. I need to talk to Dr. Chakwas anyway."

"Right. Hey, Kaidan – " He paused in the doorway, looking back. Joker was haggard, but steady.

"I'm sorry," Joker said. "About Shepard. We're all mourning her, the whole crew." Kaidan nodded, swallowing hard.

"I know," he said, and left.

* * *

"The memorial plaques? Sure, they're in the Commander's quarters." Dr. Chakwas looked tired, but satisfied.

"Really? Weird place for them."

"The ship's captain is the one who orders them put on the wall. Shepard and I put the first batch together ourselves after the battle on the Citadel." She smiled faintly. "Stayed up half the night doing it, and got blind drunk. She was a good woman to drink with." Kaidan laughed in spite of himself.

"Dangerous, though."

"Oh, did I learn that the hard way! God but the Commander could hold her liquor." They smiled for a moment, then sobered.

"Come with me," said Kaidan. "I don't want to go up there alone."

They had to go through half her drawers before they found the box of blank plaques.

"I never knew she read so much," Dr. Chakwas said, shaking her head over Shepard's collection of mystery novels.

"Yeah. Not so many Earthborn authors, but she read a lot of stuff by other colonists. She liked Turian romances, too."

" _What_ are Turian romance novels like?" Dr. Chakwas was intrigued. Kaidan grinned.

"Violent. Explicit. She said the writing was clever, but didn't leave much to the imagination." Chakwas chuckled. "I think she got tired of thinking sometimes."

"PTSD is a horror show," the doctor said. "Shepard spent too much time locked inside her head. I wish I could have helped her but she wouldn't _talk_ to me. Just getting her to take a sedative was a battle. Of course, you know all about that." Kaidan braced his fists on Shepard's desk, staring down at the box of placards with unfocused eyes.

"Yeah."

"You were the best thing that had happened to her in years, Kaidan. Maybe ever." Dr. Chakwas rested a hand on his shoulder. "She trusted you. She loved you very much, you know." Kaidan nodded, his eyes filling. He scrubbed a hand across his face, but the tears kept coming.

"Oh Kaidan, I am so sorry. Does it comfort you to know that you brought her peace? She'd had none in years, I think. She was so alone. Liara is wonderful, and being with an Asari is... intimate... but she isn't _human._ You are. You made such a difference to her."

"Damn it," he choked, burying his face in his hands. Chakwas rubbed his back sympathetically.

"She was never willing to be vulnerable to me. For all her bravado, I think she was terrified of doctors after what Cerberus did to her. But you'd been through it, you'd dealt with separation from your family, the trauma, you'd had PTSD and recovered. People always talked about Commander Shepard, you know, the hero of the galaxy, the one who brought us hope. Well, you brought _her_ hope, Kaidan. Because you understood. You were her proof that she could heal, that love and happiness were possible for her. In the end, I think you were what she fought for."

"She _left_ me, Karin! She did it again. God!" He slammed a fist down on the desk. "That _asshole!_ She promised we'd face it all together and then she left me. I lived and she died. Again. But this time I _had_ her, this time we were –" He couldn't go on.

"You were in love."

"I would have married her, you know? If she wanted to. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with her, even if it was just another ninety seconds, I wanted to _be_ there."

"I know, Kaidan. And so did she. That's why she sent you away in the end. What good was hope if she had to watch it get blown to bits right in front of her?" Kaidan shook his head.

"She promised, Karin."

"I know. I know. She made that promise because she loved you, Kaidan, and she broke it for the same reason." Dr. Chakwas leaned on the desk, peering up into his face. "You're the ranking officer on this ship now, Major. The Normandy is yours. What are your orders?" Kaidan shut his eyes and took a deep breath, straightening his back.

"Repairs are currently under way. We should be spaceworthy again in a few hours. In the meantime, I think we've got a memorial service to plan." His voice shook, but his hands were steady as he gathered up the plaques and stencils.

"Yes sir," the doctor said.

* * *

Most of the crew was busy with repairs, but Shepard's team made time for the service. There was paint still wet on the mess hall table, and the airbrush and stencils lay in a heap behind them as people crowded around the Memorial Wall, surrounding Kaidan in a tight knot of friends and fellow mourners. They'd hooked up the intercom to broadcast throughout the ship at Adams' insistence. Kaidan had sat through a long pause after asking Joker to get it working, waiting for the pilot to collect himself after drawing a breath and turning to EDI's empty chair.

People dropped in and out as they were able. Daniels and Donnelly placed placards for a few friends lost in the crash, Joker limped up to put EDI's name on the wall with shaking hands, and on and on until only a few remained. At last there was just one plaque left, warm from spending so long clenched in Kaidan's hands. Garrus and Tali leaned on each other; James shoved his hands into his pockets and stared at the floor; Liara stood firm and steady at Kaidan's right hand, her face a mask of calm, Asari sorrow. Kaidan stepped forward without speaking, and hung the placard on the wall.

JANE SHEPARD

They all stood, gazing at it in silence. James twitched as Garrus drew breath to speak.

"Shepard was my commander, my friend, and the best damn soldier I've ever known. She did what she set out to do, and a hell of a lot more. She swore she'd bring down the Reapers no matter the cost, and then she worked her ass off to keep that cost as low as possible. How many lives has Shepard saved? All of ours and billions of others. She saved my people."

"And mine," Tali broke in. Garrus squeezed her hand.

"She saved us all," he said. "She saved the galaxy and destroyed the Reapers forever."

"Jane was the bravest person I have ever met," Liara said. "It was an honor to know her, and a privilege to work with her, and a joy to love her and be her friend. She's part of all of us, because she cared for all of us. The Commander may be dead, but she is not gone. As long as any being in this galaxy draws breath free from the Reaper menace, she will still be with us."

"Shepard, you sneaky bastard," said Tali, "you may have left us behind for awhile, but don't think you're off the hook. Dying twice is just the kind of shit you'd pull. I'll see you in the afterlife, and you'll owe me a damned drink." Everyone laughed, even Kaidan.

"She'll owe us _all_ drinks," said Garrus. "She promised to meet me at the bar up there, after all. She'll have a round lined up and waiting by the time we get there. Two rounds, knowing her."

"And she'll already be roaring drunk, and we'll be hard put to catch up with her," said Dr. Chakwas. Chuckles subsided into a respectful silence. Kaidan realized everyone was waiting on him, giving him space to speak.

"Shepard," he began, and stopped, searching for the words he needed. "Shepard. You gave your life for all of us, for this entire galaxy. You gave for your friends, for your people, for... for me. I swear to you, we won't waste it. Every second is a gift from you, and that makes every second precious. I promise, Shepard – Jane – I'll treasure every one." He took a deep breath. "Goodbye, Shepard. Goodbye, Commander. And thank you."

"Yes," said Liara. "Thank you." A chorus of murmured thanks and farewells rose from the assembled crew. All over the ship, people paused for a moment, even Joker, although he did not speak, but closed his eyes for a second and then got back to work.

Kaidan was in the mess hall gathering up blank plaques and paint-stained stencils when Joker buzzed him on the comm.

"We're good to go, Major."

"Great. Get us up to the Citadel."

"Uh... what? Why?" Kaidan picked up the box and headed for the elevator.

"She deserves a proper burial this time," he said.

"Okay, Major." Joker signed off. "If there's anything left to _bury_ ," he said to EDI's chair, and engaged the thrusters.


	2. Chapter 2: In which Lazarus returns

**Chapter 2: In which Lazarus returns. Again.**

"Goddess, Kaidan!" Liara planted her fists on her hips and scowled. Most of the team was crowded onto the bridge, all of them looking appalled, shocked, worried, or some combination of the three.

"The Citadel exploded when the Crucible fired, we all saw it," said Garrus. "No way anything is left out there."

"Don't torture yourself for Shepard's sake, Kaidan," said Tali. "She's just atoms now, and she wouldn't want it." The others chorused their agreement.

"Okay, the Citadel did _not_ explode. The _Crucible_ exploded," said Kaidan, feeling beleaguered.

"Yeah, and she was right there when it happened. She set the damn thing off!" said Garrus.

"But it was hooked up to the Tower, and _that_ didn't get vaporized."

"It's a _space station!"_

"And Shepard was inside it!" Kaidan massaged his forehead with one hand. _Am I getting a migraine? I can't even tell anymore._ "Look, guys, I don't expect to find any survivors. Shepard is, she's gone. It's just – you don't know, she didn't talk about it with anyone, but what Cerberus did... bringing her back was... traumatic." He felt a pang of regret at the shock on Liara's face, but he didn't stop talking. "Shepard didn't want anyone to know, and we all had other things to worry about, but I'm sure you all noticed some changes in her." Silence, nods.

"The PTSD was... severe. It wasn't just Cerberus. I think she's had PTSD since Akuz that was never actually treated. But she'd dealt with that. It's just, after seeing what she went through... She's spent enough time floating around in space. She deserves a real burial, a real grave. She should be put to rest where no one can ever get at her again. It's what she wanted. She never said it but, trust me. I have to do that for her. If she really was vaporized like you all think then, well, it's done. But if she's not... I have to see. I have to _know_." He looked around at his friends. "Okay?" Liara stepped forward, putting a hand on his arm.

"Okay, Kaidan," she said.

"I'll go with you," said Garrus.

"So will I. I never knew... Giving her to Cerberus, I thought – she never said –" Liara was visibly upset. "I owe her this at least."

"Liara..." She waved Kaidan off.

"Let's go," she said.

* * *

James brought them down in the shuttle. The Wards seemed almost entirely destroyed, but much of the Presidium was miraculously intact, if damaged. They got in through an immense hole where one of the Wards had been – even Garrus wasn't sure which – and landed in an airlock only a short walk from the Tower. They didn't even need their EV suits.

"Stay here, and no crashing into anything," Kaidan ordered.

"Christ, don't you people ever talk about anything else?" James complained, but he stayed.

"What a mess," Garrus said, surveying the Presidium, which appeared to have been turned upside down and shaken. They picked their way through the rubble and downed trees to the Tower doors. They had to lever the doors open with a piece of heavy steel pipe, and it took all three of them heaving to force their way in. Liara stepped inside and choked back a cry. Kaidan didn't have her self-control.

"Fucking _God._ " He realized he had a hand clamped over his mouth and lowered it slowly, staring at the carnage, mind blank with horror.

"Spirits," Garrus whispered.

There were bodies everywhere, piled on the steps, all along the hall, filling the Tower. The red emergency lighting made the scene even grimmer, if that was possible. They moved slowly among the dead, biting back apologies when they stepped on a hand or torso by accident in the dark. The place reeked of blood, shit, and fear. Kaidan was the first to don his breather helmet; the other two quickly followed suit. Movement ahead brought Kaidan up short. He whipped out his pistol, hastily signaling the others to arm up. They crept forward slowly, Liara's fists glimmering blue in the dimness.

"What is it?" Garrus hissed.

"No idea," Liara replied, her voice low.

"Collector troops, maybe?"

"Can they operate without Reapers controlling them?"

Kaidan held up a hand for quiet as they reached the top of the stairs – and stopped short. It was a Keeper, puttering around, clearing bodies away from a console so it could continue some inscrutable task.

"How did it survive the blast?" Liara said. Garrus shrugged. Kaidan stood speechless, staring at the creature, which coolly ignored them and began tapping away at its terminal. At last he shook himself.

"Come on." Garrus and Liara fell in behind him.

"This ramp didn't used to be here," Liara said. The piles of corpses stopped abruptly as they crossed from the Citadel tower onto the ramp itself.

"This is eerie," said Garrus.

"Everything involving the Reapers has been eerie. Why should that stop just because the war's over?"

"This must be part of the Crucible itself," Kaidan said.

"Didn't it explode?" said Garrus.

"It must have incorporated part of itself into the Citadel somehow," Liara said.

Kaidan checked as they reached the end of the ramp. They stood in a broad, circular chamber, which seemed to have been very thoroughly blown up. There was rubble everywhere, blackened plastic, twisted metal, broken glass.

"And _then_ it exploded," Garrus said.

"Evidently."

"Fan out," said Kaidan. "Let's see what we can find." Garrus went down the left side of the room; Liara went right, while Kaidan began picking his way down the center of the floor, clambering over blocks of machined ceramic and twisted I-beams. Garrus was muttering as his sniper rifle got caught on debris. Kaidan slipped on a loose tile and swore.

"I've got a body!" Liara called. Kaidan's heart leapt. "It's the Illusive Man, I think. Goddess, his _face!"_ Kaidan swallowed hard, his heart pounding. _Cool it,_ he thought. _Garrus was probably right. You can bet, an explosion like this, Shepard was in the middle of it._

"Anderson's here," Garrus said heavily. "Spirits guide him."

Kaidan kept moving forward, feet sliding on ash and loose debris. He was nearly at – no, it was a destroyed console, not a pile of blasted electrical components – when the ground to his right seemed to... breathe. He froze, staring. _Am I seeing things?_ No, there it was again, something struggling feebly to move between two heaps of blackened slag. Another Keeper? He drew his pistol, making his way toward the movement.

"What do you got, Kaidan?" Garrus was at his elbow. The thing thrashed, heaving itself half-upright before collapsing with a – groan? It began to cough weakly. _Keepers don't cough,_ Kaidan thought. It had gone very quiet in his head for some reason.

"Shepard!" Garrus shouted, pushing past him and dropping to his knees on the slag, reaching down with careful hands to lift her off the ground.

 _"Shepard?"_ Liara cried, voice cracking.

Kaidan found himself on his knees beside Garrus, staring down at Shepard's body – Shepard's moving, breathing, bleeding body. He tore off his helmet, dropping it and helping Garrus lift her into a sitting position, supporting her head carefully. Her implant scars were open and bleeding and her breath bubbled in her chest, but her eyes flickered open as he cupped her head in one hand. Her lips shaped his name, but she was too weak to talk. Garrus moved behind her, letting her lean on him, and Liara took his place beside Kaidan, hurriedly loading medi-gel into her omnitool.

"Hang on, Shepard," she said, and got to work. The first aid application stopped most of the bleeding. Liara yanked a knife from her boot and began cutting away what melted remains of Shepard's armor she could, hissing over the gunshot wound in her side and the massive bruises. A hasty dressing seemed to help – Shepard drew a rattling breath as the pain meds worked their way through her system.

"Spirits, Shepard, what did you do, challenge every Reaper in the place to single combat?" Garrus said. "You look like shit."

"Vakarian," she choked, "you rat bastard – " Kaidan burst out laughing. Shepard smiled crookedly up at him. Garrus was laughing too.

"You've got to stop doing this, Shepard. I'm running out of things to say at your funeral."

"Sure you'll – think of – something – _aah!"_ Liara took her hands off the armor on Shepard's thigh.

"You've got bad burns here," she said.

"Damn thing exploded." Shepard began to cough, bloody froth collecting at her lips.

"And internal bleeding," said Kaidan, worry settling like ice in the pit of his stomach.

"I can't do anything for her here," Liara said. "We've got to get her back to the ship."

"Too far. James!" The comm hissed.

"Yes sir?"

"Shepard's alive. Get Dr. Chakwas down to the Citadel, _now_ _._ "

"Wh – yes sir!" Kaidan signed off.

"Let's carry her out of the Tower at least," Garrus said.

"Good idea."

"She's got broken bones," Liara warned. "Shepard, let me sedate you – " Shepard's hand locked around her friend's wrist.

"No," she grated.

"This is going to hurt then."

"Do I look – like I give a damn?"

"Okay Shepard, no sedation," Kaidan said. She grimaced up at him gratefully.

"Let me give you something stronger for the pain at least." Shepard started to shake her head and hissed in pain.

"Fine," she grunted. Liara gave her a look and readied a syringe.

"You just carry that around with you everywhere?" said Garrus.

"I had a med kit in my suit." Liara gave Shepard the shot and she sighed, her head weighing heavy on Kaidan's palm. He laid her gently back onto Garrus's shoulder.

"Uh," said Garrus.

"'Mawake," Shepard mumbled.

"Okay." The Turian was smiling.

"Let's get her up."

It took all three of them in the end. Liara had to support Shepard's legs, as they both appeared to be broken. Even with the drugs, she had screamed when Kaidan and Garrus lifted her off the ground. As they worked their way down through the Tower, Kaidan prayed she would pass out. He could feel the blood bubbling in her chest as she breathed. Every step jolted her, and although the pain meds helped, he knew she was hurting.

James met them at the Tower doors, panting.

"Got more supplies," he gasped, spreading out a length of canvas. "Stretcher. Put her there," waving a hand, "doc's coming." Kaidan could hear pounding feet – Chakwas and a nurse had followed James at a run. The doctor slid to her knees beside Shepard, breathing hard. _She's spry,_ he thought. _Fast too. James can_ book.

"You were right to bring me, Kaidan. This is bad." The doctor's face was grave, but her hands were steady as she cut away the remains of Shepard's armor. The Commander's clothes had also been destroyed by the blast, Kaidan saw.

"James, take a walk," he snapped as Dr. Chakwas peeled away the remains of Shepard's breastplate.

"All of you, take a walk. Not you, Dolores. You stay too, Kaidan." Garrus rose, more or less dragging James and Liara with him.

"Help me with this," the doctor said, pressing a pair of scissors into Kaidan's hand.

"She's got burns all down her right side, Karin," he warned, starting on Shepard's left arm.

"Yes, I see. Half your ribs are broken, too. Broken wrist, broken leg, the other knee is dislocated – goodness, Shepard, did you challenge every Reaper to single combat, or just take them on all at once?" Shepard started to laugh, and choked.

"You're the second one to make that joke today," Kaidan said. Nurse Huerta helped him rip the melted plastic away from Shepard's left foot.

"Who – oh, Garrus I suppose." Dr. Chakwas shook her head. "You should have let them sedate you, Shepard. As it is, I'm going to have to do it anyway. You've got punctures in both lungs. I have to perform surgery and I won't do it while you're conscious." Shepard wheezed. "No, don't try to talk, you stubborn bastard. What? She wants you, Kaidan." Shepard's bare hand wrapped around his wrist. He was surprised at the strength of her grip.

"What is it?" Kaidan said, setting his scissors aside and stroking her brow.

 _Stay,_ she mouthed.

"You want me here while the doctor operates?" Shepard nodded weakly. "Of course, love. I'm not going anywhere." She shut her eyes, assenting. _God, she's exhausted,_ he thought. _I've never seen her like this around other people before. Whatever happened up here, it was bad. Really bad._

"Okay, doctor," he said.

"All right, Shepard. Here's the anaesthetic now." Nurse Huerta handed her a needle. Kaidan watched Shepard lose consciousness, her face relaxing as the pain slipped away.

"She looks like a different person," the nurse murmured.

"She was in a lot of pain." Dr. Chakwas was pulling gear out of a bag beside her. "All right, Kaidan, if you're joining us I want you masked and gloved." He donned the sterile things she passed him, pausing only to unwrap Shepard's limp hand from around his wrist. All Dr. Chakwas said was, "Let's get this plastic off her burns," and got to work.

The surgery was gory, but interesting. Kaidan had wanted to be a doctor when he was younger, and watching Chakwas and Huerta's quick, competent work reminded him why. They drained her lungs, applying medi-gel laproscopically to heal the punctures. Dressing her burns took some time and Kaidan was profoundly thankful that Shepard wasn't awake for it as he watched the nurse hacking melted plastic off her shinbone. They popped her knee back into its socket and set her other leg, which was broken in two places.

"Might as well, since we're in here," Dr. Chakwas said. "She'll need prosthetics, Kaidan. This arm will never work right again, not with the amount of nerve damage she's sustained. And she'll have a limp at the very least. She'll need exoprostheses for her right arm and leg to even approach her previous levels of functionality. In any case, her days as a soldier in the field are over." Kaidan shut his eyes.

"She's gonna be _pissed."_

"Yes. But I, for one, am glad. It's a miracle she's survived this long. The Commander is quite mad." Kaidan grinned.

"Yeah, she is." He stroked her limp hand, clasping it gently. _Crazy bastard,_ he thought. "Don't worry, Doctor. I'll keep her occupied."

"I'm sure you will," Dr. Chakwas said dryly. "Right. There's not much more I can do out here. She needs proper splinting, an intensive burn treatment or two, and bed rest. Let's get her back to the ship." Nurse Huerta was packing up their unused supplies, throwing bloody cloths and tools into the Tower. The doctor stripped off her mask and gloves and Kaidan followed suit, then helped her cover Shepard in a clean drape.

"Call the others. We need help with the stretcher," the doctor said.

* * *

It was a shame Shepard wasn't conscious for the hero's welcome she received back on the Normandy, Kaidan thought. The entire crew assembled on the bridge and crew deck, packed so tight the people in back couldn't even see her, every soldier standing at attention, most with tears in their eyes. Joker was there, crying openly as he saluted the unconscious Commander, and Tali stood with her hands over her heart, pressing Garrus's arm as he passed with the stretcher. James lead the crew in a thunderous cheer as the med bay doors closed behind them, til the hull fairly shook and Dr. Chakwas sent Liara outside to tell them to can it. Kaidan refused to leave the med bay, unwilling to break his promise to Shepard even though the surgery was long over. He sat by the head of her bed as the doctor worked, holding her leg steady as Nurse Huerta applied a cast, watching with interest as Dr. Chakwas carefully dressed Shepard's burns with thick medi-gel pads to speed the healing.

"She should be awake in an hour or so, Kaidan. You are to keep her in this bed at all costs, not that she'll be able to move much. Here is her pain medication, here is some food, and here is the water," she said, pointing. "Make her take the meds when she wakes up. She might not be able to eat, but get some fluids into her. Give her this juice. And she may have _one_ drink. _One._ Something of _human_ origin. There is whiskey in my desk, if she insists. Now, I'm going to get something to eat. I'll have Garrus radio the Admiral, if someone else hasn't already."

"Doctor – Karin – " She turned in the doorway.

"Thank you," said Kaidan.

"Just doing my job, Major," said the doctor with a crooked smile. "Thank god you found her in time." She left. Kaidan wrapped his hand around Shepard's and waited for her to wake up.

* * *

 _"One_ drink?" Shepard was irate. _Well, her lungs are doing better at any rate,_ Kaidan thought.

"Hey, I don't make the rules."

"I could handle at least three," she said, scowling.

"Tell me that again after you take your pain meds."

" _More_ drugs?"

" _Eight_ broken ribs, leg broken in two places, broken wrist, first-degree burns over seven percent of your body, total implant rejection, _both_ lungs punctured – "

"Fucking hell, just give me the drugs, Alenko." He watched her swallow the suspension, making sure she could hold it steady.

"I win," he said, grinning. She punched him weakly on the arm and collapsed back onto her pillows.

"Asshole," she muttered, pleased. Kaidan hitched his chair closer to the bed, taking her good hand in both of his.

"God, it's so good to hear you say that." He kissed her fingertips one at a time. Shepard smiled.

"Plenty more where that came from." Kaidan laughed.

"Looking forward to it." He leaned his cheek into her palm and she stroked his stubble with her thumb. Even her fingers felt weak, her touch like a feather, no pressure behind it at all. "Jesus, Shepard. I'm so glad you're alive."

"Me too," she said. They sat in silence for a long moment, just looking at each other.

"I never thought I was going to see you again," he said at last.

"Yeah. Me neither. Kaidan... I'm sorry." He let out a long breath.

"I wasn't gonna bring it up until you were feeling better."

"I know I promised, I just – couldn't watch you die. I couldn't do it. I had to know you had a chance, that if I did it then maybe you would be okay. And if you stayed – look at me dammit!" She was muzzy and quiet with pain medication, but her eyes were alert, searching his face. "I know I promised we would be together but – we _were_ together, and you got hurt. Hurt bad, Kaidan. You _had_ to get out of there." Her eyes... "Do you understand? I had to keep you safe, I needed you to be okay so I could keep... so I had someone to fight for."

"Your eyes, Shepard."

"What?"

"The implants turned them dark, all orange, but they're blue again."

"Did you... what?"

"Look, Shepard, I won't pretend I'm not – I won't pretend I wasn't angry. But you're here now, you're alive, you're okay, and so am I. And I'm only here right now because of you. If you had kept your promise? Without that evac, I'd be dead. I would have lasted a couple minutes tops. I know it, and you know it. So I think it's okay. It's really okay." She pressed her fingers against his cheek as hard as she could, which wasn't very, wishing she could move, unable to sit up and hug him.

"God, Kaidan, I love you _so much."_ Her voice shook. "I'm so glad you're okay and I can't fucking believe I'm alive and I'm so fucked up on these drugs but – " she sniffed " – I love you." Tears rolled down her cheeks, stinging in the cuts.

"Shit," she muttered. Kaidan wiped her face dry for her, unwilling to relinquish his hold on her hand.

"I love you too, Shepard." He kissed her carefully, one hand on her neck, feeling her fingers curling in his hair. It was almost like a dream, kissing her again – he half-expected to wake up at any moment. She was struggling to sit up, to press herself against him, her breathing labored.

"Don't try to move."

"Fuck, I hate this! I've been awake for an hour and I'm already losing my damn mind." She sank back onto her pillows, eyelids fluttering.

"Are you in pain?"

"No. Whatever the doctor gave me it's..." she yawned, "... working."

"Go to sleep, love," Kaidan murmured. "I'll be right here when you wake up."

"Wait, Kaidan." Shepard forced her eyes open.

"What's up?"

"How did you know to come? How did you find me?"

"I didn't know. I was sure you were dead, Shepard. We all were. I just couldn't stand the thought of you – your body – floating up there in space, alone, all over again."

"Oh," she whispered. She tugged at his hand, eyes closed. Kaidan moved it for her, pressing his fingers to her lips. She kissed him with all her might, trembling with the effort.

"Thank you," she said. He pulled the blankets up, tucking them securely around her shoulders.

"Of course," he said, kissing her forehead. Shepard sighed and was asleep in an instant, her face quiet as exhaustion claimed her. Kaidan rose and began clearing away her empty dishes, humming softly to himself.


	3. Chapter 3: In which events are momentous

**Chapter 3: In which events are momentous**

Kaidan ducked out of the med bay and walked straight into Garrus.

"Whoa!"

"Sorry, I didn't see you." The Turian put a hand on his shoulder.

"You're understandably preoccupied. How's Shepard?"

"Okay. She's sleeping." Garrus sighed in relief.

"I can't believe we found her."

"Me neither." Kaidan headed for the mess and Garrus followed, leaning on the counter and folding his arms as Kaidan rummaged through the cupboards for something to eat.

"She was hurt pretty bad. What's her prognosis?"

"She'll live. Karin made sure of that. I don't think she'll be in the field much anymore though. The burns."

"Kaidan! How's Shepard?" Liara stood beside Garrus, an armful of reports clutched to her chest.

"Alive. Sleeping," Garrus said.

"Is she going to make it?"

"Yeah." Liara closed her eyes, pressing a hand to her chest in relief.

"Her soldiering days are over though, I hear," the Turian continued.

"She won't like that.

"Shepard will do fine. She did _die_ once. Adapting for a few war wounds should be a cinch." Liara rubbed her forehead.

"Goddess. I wish..."

"Liara, you couldn't possibly – "

"Garrus! Any word on – oh, hey Kaidan." Tali peered around Garrus at him. "How's Shepard?"

"Fine. She's sleeping."

"Good. She deserves some rest." Tali looked at Liara, who was staring at the floor. "Hey, you okay?"

"Well – no. I – excuse me." She hurried toward her office, not waiting for a reply. Tali and Garrus exchanged looks.

"I should talk to her," Kaidan said, opening a packet of jerky.

"Shepard should talk to her," said Garrus.

"I doubt she'd listen to anyone else." Tali shook her head.

"Yeah, you're probably right. Speaking of which, I should get back in there."

"Does she really need you in the med bay with her while she's sleeping?" Tali asked.

"I said I'd be there when she woke up. Now's not the time to be breaking my promises." Kaidan shoved an energy bar into his pocket.

"It can't be easy for her, being incapacitated in there like that. Drugged and everything. Not after Cerberus," Garrus said.

"No, it really isn't, I think." Kaidan's shoulders slumped.

"You're worried about her," said Tali.

"I'm always worried about her.

"Does it have to be you who sits with her? I've got some reports to write up for the Primarch, and now that the war's over I could actually catch up on my reading for a change."

"They don't need me down in Engineering – well, not all the time. It would be good to spend some time with Shepard. Besides, you need to sleep and run the ship now and then, don't you?" Kaidan sighed.

"Yeah. I've been so focused on Shepard, I... I don't even know where we're going."

"The fleet set up a rendezvous point near the Sol Relay. I had Joker set a course," said Garrus. "I need to check in with my superiors, and Hackett wanted to talk to Shepard." Kaidan opened his mouth to object, but Garrus held up a hand.

"I told him we had repairs to make. We're taking our time. Besides, Joker needs a break."

"We all need shore leave. Christ, I need to get back to Earth. My family..." Kaidan rubbed his forehead with a weary hand. _I really am getting a migraine now,_ he thought.

"We'll have it sorted out soon enough," Tali said.

"Yeah. You should get back to Shepard, Kaidan. We'll hold the fort til we get where we're going."

"Thanks, guys.

"Hey, you saved Shepard. As far as I'm concerned, we all owe you." Tali leaned into the curve of Garrus's arm.

"Dr. Chakwas saved Shepard. We just got lucky." Kaidan headed for the med bay.

"Let us know when she's up for visitors," Garrus called after him.

"Will do."

Shepard was snoring softly, her breathing easy and her face calm as she slept. Kaidan dimmed the lights, relaxing in the dark as the pain in his head receded. He ate as quietly as he could, his mind bouncing from worry to worry. Shepard's injuries, his mom and sisters and nephews, whatever the hell it was Hackett wanted this time, the look on Liara's face... He buried his head in his hands, staring down at the empty wrappers he'd strewn across Dr. Chakwas' desk. _There's nothing I can do about any of that stuff right now,_ he told himself. _I just have to take care of Shepard and wait for orders._ All he wanted to do was turn the ship around and take her home with him.

He could just see her bundled up in afghans on his parents' couch, allowing herself to be bullied into taking her medication, plying Joseph and Robin with war stories til they fought over who got to be Commander Shepard in their games... _If only Dad could have met her. They would have stayed up late drinking and swapping stories every night til I had to drag her to bed. And I don't even know if that house is still standing... Fuck._ Kaidan's throat felt tight. Only the knowledge that he was watching over Shepard kept him from hunting up the doctor's whiskey on his own. _No fair to get drunk without her. Christ, I need something to keep me occupied._

"You all right, Kaidan?" He jumped

"Karin. I didn't hear you come in."

"I can see that." Dr. Chakwas bent over Shepard, checking her IV drip and scanning the electrodes on her forehead.

"How is she?"

"Good. Sleep is what she needs most right now. The Cerberus implants seem to be completely nonfunctional – they'll have to be replaced. I don't have the supplies on hand, but these temporary externals seem to be working. The biggest danger right now is pain. Stress will keep her from healing and make everything worse. I want her back in her own quarters as soon as possible – being down here will only trigger her PTSD." Kaidan nodded, then winced. Dr. Chakwas looked at him sharply.

"Migraine, is it?" She unlocked the med cabinet.

"I should stay awake."

"You can lie down in the next bed. Keep an eye on her _and_ take these, Major. I'm not going to put you to sleep, although I'm sure you could use it. In any case, I'd like my terminal back." She put a cup and a few pills by his elbow. Kaidan threw up his hands in surrender and took his medicine.

He dozed fitfully well into the evening. Dr. Chakwas came and went, keeping the lights low as she checked on Shepard and tapped quietly at her terminal. He woke with a start from a dream of chasing his youngest nephew through the rubble of London to find Shepard watching him, cheek pillowed on her good hand.

"Morning," she said softly. Kaidan yawned.

"Evening, more like."

"Ah, you're both awake. I have medication for you, Shepard. Are you hungry?" Dr. Chakwas stood by the door. Kaidan sat up and stretched.

"I could eat," Shepard said.

"Me too."

"I'll see what I can do," said Dr. Chakwas, and left. Kaidan brought Shepard a cup of water, then had to help her drink it.

"You should take your pain meds."

"Let me sit _up_ at least." He didn't bother arguing, but Shepard was panting with pain by the time they got her propped up against her pillows.

"Here." He passed her the suspension and Shepard grimaced.

"It'll just put me to sleep again."

"You just slept all afternoon. It'll make you feel better, anyway." She tried to set the vial down on her bedside table and nearly dropped it when her burns pulled. Kaidan took it from her as she wheezed.

"Shepard, please?" The worry in his voice seemed to penetrate. She nodded and he held the liquid to her lips himself; she drank it down like a sick child, making a face at the taste.

"Fuck, I've never been hurt this bad before. I'm a goddamn invalid. This is bullshit." He squeezed her hand in sympathy.

"You did get blown up twice. _And_ shot."

"Yeah. I remember."

"You'll be feeling better soon. Karin practically mummified you in medi-gel." Shepard eyed her right arm dubiously. Only her fingertips peeked out of the dressing, which extended nearly to her neck, and her forearm was encased in a heavy splint.

"This arm will never work right again, will it." It wasn't a question. "The leg either. I can't feel my hand, Kaidan, or anything below my right knee. I'll need half an exoskeleton just to walk on my own, won't I?" Kaidan sighed.

"You should talk to Karin about that. But... probably, yeah."

"Don't know how the hell I'm gonna be able to work like this."

"They'll have to promote you this time. I still can't believe you didn't make Captain after the fight against Sovereign." Shepard rolled her eyes.

"So it's a desk job at Alliance HQ for me, huh?" She scowled.

"Or the Captain's chair on the Normandy, Shepard. You _do_ have a crew to send down on missions, you know. And you're still a Spectre."

"Much good may it do me."

"The Council owes us both a permanent spot on payroll even if we spend the rest of our lives on my parents' farm in British Columbia growing apples," Kaidan said.

"Ooh, they'd like that. Just pay us to go away so they don't have to go to all the trouble of actually ignoring us in person anymore." She cackled. "Idiots."

"They did okay this time around."

" _Okay?_ If I see that fucking Asari again, I swear to god I'll hit her. How long did she sit on that damn beacon? _Christ."_

"The Turians came through at least."

"Yeah. Yeah, they did." Shepard sighed wearily, but there was color in her cheeks. "This was a rotten war. The Reapers took too much from us."

"Not was much as you took from them."

"We, not me. On my own, I couldn't have done a damn thing. I just wish we could have ended it sooner." He bent to kiss her cheek.

"Me too."

"Maybe if the fucking Council had been less of a bunch of short-sighted, obstructionist – " Shepard broke off as the med bay doors opened. Garrus and Tali came in with trays of food, grinning.

"Shepard! I thought you were going to sleep for a week."

"If I'd known I was gonna get stuck staring at your ugly mug, Vakarian, I might have tried a little harder." Garrus laughed.

"It's good to see you in fine form, Shepard."

"You too, Garrus. Hey, didn't you get blown up? How'd that go?"

"Not so bad. Your boyfriend here got the worst of it. The key is moderation." Garrus worked as he talked, helping Kaidan and Tali pull a table and chairs over to Shepard's bedside, setting out food, water, and a couple of flasks.

"Don't tell the doctor," Garrus said with a wink, opening the liquor and handing it to Shepard. She took a swig and sighed contentedly.

"Whatever would I do without you?"

"Probably have fewer drug interactions with your pain meds," Kaidan said, sitting down on her bed and dishing up dinner for her.

"Oh, don't be a buzzkill."

"You're lucky her legs are all fucked up, otherwise you'd get kicked for that one," Tali remarked. Shepard grinned.

"Listen to the Quarian."

"Ah, you'd be miserable without me to rag on you, and you know it. The key is moderation." He set a tray on her lap and handed her a fork. "Got it?" But she was already eating. Tali leaned her elbows on the table.

"How are you doing, Shepard?" she asked.

"Good, I guess," Shepard replied around a mouthful of potatoes. "Hurt like hell, stuck in a bed, and pumped full of drugs, but aside from that, good. I'm glad to be back here. Even locked in the med bay... I never thought I'd see this ship again, let alone all of you." She looked around at her friends. Kaidan set down his knife and rubbed her thigh through the blanket.

"Aah, I'm getting sentimental. Christ, I'm glad you're all okay though."

"Likewise," said Garrus. Tali nodded vigorously.

"That was a hell of a fight," she said.

"No kidding," said Kaidan, cutting Shepard's chicken for her.

"Shepard, maybe you don't want to talk about this now, but... what _happened_ up there?" Tali asked. Shepard waved her fork, chewing.

"No, I'll tell you. Gimme that." She poked Kaidan and gestured at the flask. Garrus opened the other one, taking a drink himself and settling back in his seat to listen.

"You don't have to do this now," Kaidan said, handing her the booze.

"I'll talk til the drug interactions knock me out," she said with a crooked grin. "That'll have to be enough for you busybodies tonight."

Kaidan had to admit he was interested. He found himself leaning forward as Shepard began her story, pausing now and then for a bite or two of diner. She made quick work of it, her face grim as she recounted the Reaper strike on the Conduit and her stumbling journey through the closed Citadel, in the dark, among the dead. Kaidan pressed her shin as she recounted the confrontation with the Illusive Man and Anderson's death. She paused for a drink there, eating something to give her throat time to open up again before she went on. She seemed at a loss to describe the Catalyst, saying only that it had been alive and ancient, appearing to her as a human child, which it obviously wasn't. She repeated some of what it said. Kaidan listened with dawning horror as she explained the choice it had given her.

"My god, Shepard." She took another drink, not meeting his eyes.

"I didn't know what else to do. Destroying the Reapers seemed like the only option."

"Of course it was the only option! Synthesis?" Garrus shook his head at the enormity of it.

"Or the Illusive Man's plan? No way, Shepard. You made the right choice," Tali said.

"Doubt Joker thinks so."

"EDI was ready to die to defeat the Reapers. That's what I said to Joker, and he agreed. I didn't know her well, but I know that. She gave her life to save the galaxy, just like you did, or would have done." Shepard rubbed her face with a weary hand.

"She was a good friend," she said softly. Tali looked at the table, clearly biting her tongue. Garrus wrapped a hand around hers in silent thanks.

"She was a valued member of the crew. She'll be missed," he said.

"She _is_ missed," said Kaidan. He had never trusted EDI, or seen her as the life form Shepard insisted she was. He'd done his best to keep clear of her, wary of the mech that had nearly killed him on Mars, regardless of what code controlled it. But now wasn't the time to argue metaphysics, and Shepard had held EDI in high esteem and clearly regretted her destruction. He rubbed her leg. He couldn't understand being friends with an AI, but he could understand mourning for someone.

"Besides, what choice did you have?" Garrus leaned on the table, looking Shepard in the eye. "Your only other options were to let the Reapers continue to exist while you got turned into who _knows_ what, or to turn every creature in the galaxy into a cyborg. Who's to say that you would have been able to protect us if you became the Catalyst? Maybe you would have just gotten sucked into their pattern. And turning everyone into a machine?" He shuddered.

"I _couldn't,"_ Shepard said.

"Of course not. It would have been horrible." She nodded.

"I had no right."

"No single person has that right," Tali said.

"Yeah." Shepard took a long pull of her drink, tipping her head back.

"Don't get too drunk, love, or you really will pass out."

"Yes, Dr. Alenko." She rolled her eyes, but passed him the half-full flask. Kaidan had some himself. It was Scotch – not bad, either.

"Where'd you get this?"

"Adams gave it to me. Asked if I was seeing the Commander anytime soon, and I said I damn well hoped so, and he told me to bring you some, Shepard." She smiled a little.

"I knew I liked Adams for a reason."

"To our Chief Engineer," Kaidan said, passing Shepard her water and raising the flask.

"Hear hear," Garrus said. They drank.

"What – " Shepard yawned cavernously. "What about you guys, though? What did I miss while I was saving the world?" She yawned again. " _Damn_ it." Kaidan smiled to himself, valiantly not saying I told you so.

"I see you there, Alenko." She smacked him lightly on the arm.

"We'll let you rest. Plenty of time to fill you in on what happened tomorrow," Tali said, rising.

"Well, you know where to find me." Garrus chuckled.

"See you later, Shepard."

"See you."

"Bye Shepard." Kaidan shoved the table back into the corner as Tali and Garrus filed out. Shepard rested against her pillows, watching him with sleepy eyes. She patted the bed beside her.

"C'mere." Kaidan sat gingerly, not wanting to jostle her, but she grabbed a fistful of his shirt and pulled him in for a kiss. She sighed happily as their lips met, tangling her fingers in his hair. Heat flooded Kaidan's body as she bit his lower lip. He kissed her hungrily, cupping her face in his hands and stroking her neck with his fingertips. Shepard moaned softly and he drew back.

"Did I hurt you?"

"Not even a little." She tugged at his collar, her eyes warm. Kaidan kissed her smiling mouth, delighting in her nearness. He leaned his forehead against hers as she caught her breath.

"You should get some sleep," he murmured.

"I don't _want_ to sleep, dammit." She yawned in spite of herself. He looked down at her, laughing.

"Fuck _me,_ I hate these damn drugs. I want to spend some time with you, Kaidan." She fiddled with his collar. He took her hand, kissing her palm just to see the way it made her eyelashes flutter.

"I'm not going anywhere, love." He kissed her thumb, the inside of her wrist, then her palm again.

"Well, neither am I." He grinned.

"You'll be out of the med bay soon, Shepard. Dr. Chakwas wants you back in your quarters ASAP."

"And out of her hair, huh?"

"No. I think Karin just knows you really hate it down here."

"That's perceptive of her."

"Oh, Shepard."

"Sorry. She's right though. I hate being stuck here on a fucking _slab_ like this. I can't even get up and walk around. Christ. It'll be good to get back to quarters. At least up there I have fish to watch." He squeezed her hand.

"Let me help you lie down." Shepard grimaced, but nodded. Settling her was much easier with the pain meds in her system; Kaidan made a mental note to make her take them right away the next time she woke up. He adjusted a pillow for her and pulled the blankets up over her chest, kissing her forehead. She rested her hand on the back of his neck, not releasing him until she'd kissed him thoroughly. Kaidan sat on the bed again, holding her hand in both of his. Shepard gazed up at him with heavy-lidded eyes.

"What happened, Kaidan? While I was gone?"

"I briefed you, didn't I?"

"I must have been high on the pain meds. I can't remember." He rubbed her knuckles with a gentle thumb.

"Okay, I'll give you the short version. The Crucible detonation brought us down somewhere in South America, I think. We lost a few people in the battle, and more in the crash – Riley, Cho, Heimisdottir... Fucking Reapers." His mouth twisted. It was her turn to squeeze his hand.

"We were down for a few hours. We had some repairs to make before we could get off the ground again. Joker and the Engineering team really came through for us. They'd all lost people, EDI, Wang, Michaels – good friends, but they put it all aside to get us back in the sky. I need to issue some formal commendations when we get to the fleet rendezvous point." Shepard nodded.

"I wanted to get up to the Citadel right away to look for, well, your body. The others tried to talk me out of it, everyone figured you'd been vaporized when the Crucible went off. I uh, I told them about the PTSD, Shepard. I'm sorry. I didn't think you'd survive to yell at me about it." He searched her face anxiously. He'd never actually named the PTSD as such in her presence, he realized. But Shepard didn't argue.

"You don't need to explain, Kaidan. You thought I was dead. I understand. You did what you had to do. I'm just glad you found me at all. If you hadn't come, I would have died up there." Her face darkened. "Bad way to go." Kaidan sighed, relieved.

"Liara was pretty upset to learn the truth about what Cerberus did."

"Yeah. I'll talk to her." She looked away. "It wasn't her fault. I'm not angry at her at all. Guess I just need to tell her that."

"I think she's pretty angry at herself." Shepard met his eyes.

"She was right to do it, Kaidan. I'm not saying I'm glad it happened, but it was the right call."

"I guess I just wish there had been another way."

"I wish the Collectors had never hit us in the first place."

"I wish that too, every damn day." They sat in silence for a moment, staring down at their hands clasped on the blanket.

"You got hurt down in London," Shepard said finally. "How are you doing?"

"The explosion got me good. Burns all down my side, and it messed my leg up some. I've got a dressing – " he pulled up his shirt to show her the pads on his ribs " – and another one on my thigh, if you want me to take my pants off." She grinned wickedly.

"If I could move, I swear, Kaidan..." She trailed off. He bent to kiss her, relishing the heat of her mouth on his. She slid her fingers up his thigh. He caught her wrist, laughing.

"You're getting ahead of yourself."

"What can I say? I'm an ambitious woman."

"Yes you are." He kissed her again. "Soon," he murmured.

"I'm gonna hold you to that."

"Okay." Shepard was smiling, her eyes dropping shut.

"Sleep well, love." Kaidan tucked her in. Her only answer was a sigh. He got up to turn of the lights and undressed carefully in the dark.

* * *

They reached the rendezvous point the next morning. Garrus and Tali coordinated with the rest of the fleet, as Dr. Chakwas insisted on changing Kaidan's bandages first thing in the morning. His wounds cleaned and dressed with fresh medi-gel, he perched on a stool while Dr. Chakwas and Nurse Huerta worked on Shepard. It was the first time she had gotten a good look at her own wounds. She said nothing, but clenched her jaw at the sight of white bone gleaming on her shin and forearm. Much of her right calf had been blown away, and there was a deep crater in her lower thigh. Her arm appeared withered, just a thin layer of flesh clinging to a spindle of bone. What remained of the tendons in her right hand were clearly visible, and she had lost her little finger, Kaidan saw with a jolt. She stared at the lifeless claw in silence until the doctor wrapped it up again, snapping the splint into place around her broken wrist.

"I'm going to talk to Alliance Medical about these injuries, Shepard. I don't have the equipment here, but in addition to having your implants replaced, you're going to need tissue regeneration therapy. It will take some time, but you may eventually get the use of your hand back. In the meantime, exoprostheses will allow for normal levels of functionality."

"Well, I guess I'm already a cyborg. What difference does a little more hardware make?" Shepard lay back as Dr. Chakwas rebandaged her thigh and replaced the splints on her leg.

"That's the spirit. I think we can take the brace off your left knee. You'll be in a wheelchair for a little while yet." Shepard grimaced.

"Kaidan." Garrus' voice crackled over the comm. "Admiral Hackett is requesting permission to come aboard." Kaidan glanced at Shepard.

"Don't look at me, I'm on a medical hold."

"Permission granted. I'll go meet him at the airlock."

"He's just heading down to the med bay. He says this isn't a formal call. Stay where you are."

"Okay then." Garrus signed off.

"He probably just wants proof that the Commander really _is_ alive and the whole crew of the Normandy hasn't gone collectively mad," Dr. Chakwas said.

"You'd have wasted an awful lot of medi-gel on a hallucination," Shepard said dryly.

"Indeed. You're much too difficult a patient to be a figment of my imagination, Commander."

"Thanks." Shepard leaned back in bed.

"You're certainly real enough for me. Where else did all of Adams' Scotch go, if not into you?" Kaidan said, sitting on the edge of her bed.

"How _much_ Scotch?" Dr. Chakwas asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Not enough," Shepard replied.

"So only half the bottle?"

" _How_ much longer do I have to spend down here?" Kaidan laughed, resting a hand on her leg. Shepard smiled at him.

"Mind the Admiral, you two. I believe you're breaking five or six regulations right now."

"Oh, I'm medically incompetent to serve." Shepard flapped a hand. Dr. Chakwas shook her head. Kaidan caught her hand and kissed it.

"The hell with the regs. We're both Spectres, anyway. Besides, Shepard just saved the galaxy."

" _We_ just saved the galaxy."

"Well then, I think the saviors of the galaxy can be with whoever they like." He scooted closer to Shepard, putting his hand on her waist and leaning in for a quick kiss.

"Commander. Major," said Admiral Hackett from the doorway. Kaidan shut his eyes, laughing to himself.

"Admiral," Shepard said, grinning. Kaidan rose and saluted.

"Sir."

"Sorry sir. I'd get up or salute or something, but uh..." She eyed her bandages.

"Stay where you are, please. Have a seat, Major. This isn't a formal call." Hackett crossed the med bay, pulling the stool Kaidan had been using over to sit by the bed. He took his hat off and ran his fingers through his hair with a sigh. Kaidan settled himself on the bed again, resting a hand somewhat defiantly on Shepard's leg. She winked at him, making him smile.

"I'm glad to see you two in one piece," the Admiral said.

"Likewise, sir." He nodded to Shepard in acknowledgment.

"As I said, this isn't a formal meeting. I wanted to debrief, get an idea of what happened before the politicians descend. And I wanted to thank you personally, Shepard. I don't know what you did, or how, but you saved us all. Without you, the Reapers would have exterminated us. You saved Earth. You saved humanity. You saved the entire galaxy. Thank you, Shepard. The galactic community owes you more than we can possibly repay."

"It wasn't just me, sir. Without – "

"Shepard, for once in your damn life, stop arguing." She blinked, opened her mouth, and shut it again.

"I'm honored, sir. All I wanted was to do my duty."

"And you succeeded admirably. We are all forever in your debt. You've got a lot of medals headed your way, Shepard, not to mention a promotion. We'll do it formally later, but for now, let me say congratulations, Captain." Hackett shook her left hand firmly.

"Thank you, sir."

"Major Alenko, the Alliance owes you a debt of gratitude as well. I understand that in addition to your valiant service in London, you are the only reason the Captain is still alive."

"Well, Dr. Chakwas helped, sir." Hackett raised an eyebrow.

"I ordered and led the mission to find Shepard on the Citadel after the Crucible detonated, sir, yes."

"What made you go up there, Major?"

"We all believed the Commander – Captain was dead, sir. I wanted to honor her with a decent burial this time. When we got there, she was still alive. We got her medical attnetion as fast as we could, and she pulled through, thanks to our medical team." Shepard squeezed his hand and Kaidan held on tight. He had woken in a cold sweat that morning from a dream of carrying her lifeless body back to the Normandy.

"Good work, Alenko. I'm not Alliance Army, but you'll be a Colonel at least if I get my way, which I damn well better." Kaidan's mind went momentarily blank with surprise.

"Uh. Thank you sir."

"Captain, are you up for a debriefing now? I don't want to compromise your health, but I'd like to hear this straight from you, if possible."

"Yes sir."

"Just tell me what happened on the Citadel. You'll both need to submit full reports on the battle, but that can wait."

Shepard launched into the story again. Her eyes were dark but her voice was steady, and she gave Hackett all the details, not mincing words. Again she recounted her journey through the Citadel, killing the Illusive Man, and Admiral Anderson's demise.

"Ah, so that's what happened. As soon as we heard that you'd been found, I sent a team over to retrieve what they could. There wasn't much, but we did find the Illusive Man and the Admiral. And Keepers, amazingly enough. Most of them seem to still be functioning."

"Yes sir. We encountered one on our mission," said Kaidan.

"I saw one as well," said Shepard.

"Anderson has received a burial with full military honors. I'm sorry you were unable to attend, Captain, but you had more pressing problems. We're looking into the Illusive Man's identity as well. I for one am _very_ interested in the results of that investigation."

"Can I be kept in the loop on that, sir?"

"Certainly, Captain." Hackett gestured for her to continue. He listened intently to her account of her encounter with the Catalyst, asking no questions except to request further details of what it had said to her. When she laid out the choices it had offered her, the Admiral sat back, shocked.

"And you chose to destroy the Reapers, I gather," he said.

"Yes sir. It was the only option I felt I could take. I had no guarantee that seizing control of the Reapers would destroy their cycle, and no right to turn every creature in the galaxy into a machine, sir."

"You made the right call, Shepard. I'm just glad you where the one who made it up there. Anderson tapped you for this mission for a reason – you were the only one he trusted to get it done right. He was a wise man."

"Yes sir. I wish I could have saved him." She looked down at her hand, clasped in Kaidan's on her lap.

"His death wasn't your fault. The Reapers gave the Illusive Man power beyond that of any ordinary person. He was their vessel. No human could resist a direct onslaught of Reaper control like that."

"I should have been able to do it, sir. But instead I _shot_ him." She clenched her jaw.

"He didn't blame you, and neither do I. A lesser person might have shot him in the head. You did better than anyone else could have, Shepard, and it was enough. We won because of you. Anderson gave his life proudly to secure this victory, just like you nearly gave yours." Hackett leaned forward. "Look at me, Captain. The Reapers killed Anderson, just like they killed Cortez and every other comrade we lost in this war. You are not responsible for their deaths. What you did on the Citadel honored their memories more than any speech I could give or any monument the Alliance could build. A commander can't blame herself for the casualties of war. She must celebrate the soldiers who gave their lives to defend their people." Shepard let out a long breath.

"Yes sir. Thank you, sir."

"I have to say, Shepard, I never expected to see you alive again. It's a load off my heart to have you sitting here in front of me." She ducked her head, embarrassed.

"I didn't expect to survive either, sir. I don't think any of us did." Kaidan rubbed the back of her hand with his thumb.

"I'm glad you proved us all wrong. I gather your injuries are severe, however. How are you holding up?" Shepard grimaced.

"Fine, except for being stuck in this bed."

"The Destiny Ascension has the most advanced medical technology available in the fleet. The Council has offered the services of their doctors to the entire crew of the Normandy. They have implants and prosthetic technology you may find useful, in addition to tissue regeneration equipment not widely available outside Asari space."

"Dr. Chakwas mentioned that. I think she was going to coordinate directly with Alliance Medical, sir."

"I'll be on the Destiny Ascension to see the Council later today. I'll set it up personally," Hackett said.

"Thank you sir."

"It's the least I can do, Shepard." Hackett braced his hands on his knees, smiling faintly. "You two make quite a pair, you know. Heroes of the Reaper War, the first two human Spectres... It's nice to see at least one good thing has come out of all this. There's been too much loss." Shepard quirked a brow at Kaidan, smiling faintly. He smiled back, amused.

"Thank you sir. I think," Shepard said. Hackett chuckled.

"I meant it well, Shepard. If you'll permit an old man a touch of sentiment, I have to say I'm glad to see you two together. You've been through hell, but you're young still. Old soldiers, maybe, but not as old as some. You've got so much time ahead of you now that this is all over. Make good use of it."

"Yes sir," Kaidan said, but he gazed at Shepard as he said it. The look in her eyes made his chest tight.

"There'll be an official ceremony in a day or two to finalize promotions and hand out a few medals and so forth, if you're up to it. Then I'm placing you both on medical leave. I imagine you want to get back to Earth as soon as possible, Major."

"Yes sir," Kaidan said, glancing at Shepard. She squeezed his hand. Hackett gave them an indulgent look.

"Right. I have work to do and you need to rest and eat. Thanks again, both of you. Captain. Major."

"Sir." Hackett left. Kaidan and Shepard found themselves staring at each other.

"Earth, huh?" she said. He found himself blushing. _Goddamn it._

"Yeah. I need to go see my family. I hoped you would come with me." He looked down at their clasped hands, unaccountably nervous. "Will you, Shepard?" She disentangled her fingers from his and reached out, tilting his chin up to make him look at her.

"Of course I will," she said softly, her face shining. Kaidan couldn't think of anything to say, so he kissed her instead. When they finally parted, Shepard leaned her cheek into his palm with a happy sigh, her eyes still closed. He stroked her brow.

"So, Captain Shepard, huh?"

"I like the sound of that, Colonel."

"That hasn't even happened yet."

"I'd like to see anyone try to tell Hackett no today."

"I don't even know what I'd do with the added rank."

"Expand Biotics Division?"

"I don't want to worry about that now. I just want to get us home."

"Home..." she murmured, far away. "I haven't had one since... it's been a long time."

"We'll make one together," he said. Shepard smiled.

"Is that a proposal?" she asked, eyes dancing.

"I can't tell if you're teasing or not."

"Which would you prefer?" She was still smiling, but her eyes were intent. Kaidan sobered, his heart pounding.

"Honestly, Shepard... not."

"Really?" Her mouth was dry.

"Really." He clasped her hand tight in both of his to keep from trembling, watching her expression shift from surprise, to confusion, to a slow, startled joy. _I never thought it would be like this, but..._ It was strange to be ready for it. "Jane Shepard, will you marry me?" He couldn't believe his voice was so steady.

"Yeah, Kaidan. Yeah, I will." She was struggling to keep her smile from tearing her stitches. Kaidan felt himself laughing and kissed her, tears burning in his eyes.

"I'm so glad, Shepard. I love you so much."

"I love you too." She rubbed his nose with hers. "I'm not usually this rash, but..."

" _You're_ not rash? _You._ "

"Okay, okay. Maybe a little."

"A _little?_ Okay, I know what you mean. If you had asked me a year ago if a few months with someone would be enough time to propose..."

"We've known each other a long time, Kaidan."

"Yeah. And I guess losing you, and then when we thought... It put some things into perspective for me. Hindsight. You know."

"Yeah. Yeah, I know." She touched his cheek.

"Just one thing. No more impossible promises, okay?"

"Okay. I just promise to love you."

"That's good enough for me." They kissed again.

"When should we do this? Where? I guess you want to get back to Earth first, huh."

"I – hmm." Kaidan scratched his stubble – more of a beard by now, really. _I need to shave..._ But his mind was on Shepard's question. "I do want my mom and sisters there. But if we do it here, the Alliance will have a record of it. And we're not going to have rings here – do you want to do rings?" She thought for a moment.

"Yeah."

"Okay. We won't have rings or a real reception or anything, nobody has the time or supplies to set it up. What if we did something quick here, just the paperwork and stuff, and then had a real wedding back in Canada?"

"I am _not_ wearing a white dress." Kaidan burst out laughing at the image of Shepard in a bridal veil.

"Oh I can just see you – with puffy sleeves and – and _lilies_ – "

"Christ," she muttered.

"God, no. Let's just do it in uniform. Even mom won't be able to complain about that."

"We should get Hackett to officiate here. He'd love that."

"Yeah, he would. We could do it by the memorial wall – Christ, I wonder if your name is still up there."

"If they ever let me out of this damn bed I'll take it down myself. And I thought we weren't doing a real wedding out here. God, that's weird to say. Wedding. But can't we just do it in Hackett's office?"

"Shepard, are you _nervous?"_ She flushed slowly under his stare. "Oh my god, that is _so_ cute." Shepard glared at him, red-faced. "I'm sorry love, I shouldn't laugh at you." He kissed her, contrite. She wrapped her arm around his neck and buried her face in his shoulder.

"I'm just tired of being under the damn microscope all the time. Besides, if we have a real wedding, what about our wedding _night?_ I can barely even _move._ "

"Oh, sweetheart. Of course we can just do it privately if you want to. I'm sorry. I thought it might cheer everybody up is all. Most of the crew won't be able to make the real wedding – that _is_ weird to say – but I'm sure Garrus is headed for Palaven any day now, and Liara will want to get back to Asari space. Tali has work to do on Rannoch..." Shepard sighed.

"You're right. I'm just... tired."

"I know." He rubbed her shoulder. "I'm sorry I mentioned it."

"No, maybe you're right. Let me think about it, okay?"

"Of course. And, Shepard, don't worry about our wedding night. It'll happen when we're both up to it. I mean, I'm mobile enough, but I wouldn't want to do anything too strenuous yet anyway. We can lie around like invalids together if that's all we can handle." She chuckled.

"Okay." He kissed her forehead.

"God, Shepard, we're getting _married._ "

"I know! We're a couple of fucking lunatics."

"Thank god I found you then," he said, and kissed her.


End file.
